So Many Tears

No one gets it, Riley whispers in frustration to herself.

Tracy recommends a trauma program in the middle of Riley trying to convey the psychological crisis she thinks she is in.

God, she doesn’t get it. No one can. I can’t create the right sentences to explain what’s going on. Every time I try it comes out not quite as I meant and my heart sinks and burns up in the fire of my stomach.

“Trust your intuition, not the anxiety,” Tracy texts Riley after she tried one more time. God, I am so alone. Please help me. It’s like all of the grief I’ve been experiencing is holding me hostage in a burning shed and I cannot escape. I am going down with it. My brain is disintegrating. I can’t turn a corner or even feel a gust of wind without my body freaking out. None of this is normal or ok and it keeps escalating. My intuition doesn’t exist. It is completely gone, along with my confidence. I have to find a way out of this… on my own.

Tracy can’t hold the space that I need anymore. I have to be alone. For a very long time. I have to retreat inside myself to figure myself out. To heal myself. No one else can heal me.


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